The Greatest Loss. The Way Forward. A Mother’s Story.My first words as a mother were, “Don’t drop him.” It was as if I knew, even before I held my first child, that I wouldn’t be able to hold onto my children.We were the family who lost half our children; over a ten-year period, four of our eight children died, as infants, from a rare mitochondrial disorder. After the babies died, I was sure that nothing terrible could happen to us ever again.Not to us.Then, Yossi, our oldest child and only son, drowned six weeks before his wedding day.As a child, Yossi loved playing with words. Once, when he was getting ready for school, I said to him, “There are bagels on the counter if you’re hungry.”He said, “Even if I’m not.”“What?”“The bagels are on the counter even if I’m not hungry.”After Yossi died, I grappled with long-held beliefs: Hashem is close; everything that happens has a purpose; and our neshamos continue to exist after we leave This World. The comfort of these truths was there for me, if I was ready to accept it, but also — as I learned — “even if I’m not”.At first, I couldn’t find my way forward. I felt like Hashem was saying, I’m asking you to do something impossible. Do it anyway.Even If I’m Not is the story of doing the impossible.By Devorie Kreiman
